Wine Appreciation Tips from "The Onion"

Wine-Appreciation Tips

August 21, 2002 | Issue 38•30

Wine appreciation is a true art form. Here are some tips to help you become an aficionado.

Wine taster

• Most wine experts frown upon serving a peignoir with white meat. This is primarily because a peignoir is a type of lingerie.
• In Europe, wines are named according to the region from which they come. Among the most popular are wines from the Bordeaux region of France and the Night Train region of Italy.
• When dining with friends at a restaurant, order the second-least expensive wine on the list. If on a date, order the fourth-least expensive.
• If you are uncertain whether to select a merlot or beaujolais for a spring breast-of-lamb garden dinner, avoid making a decision until we come down to beat the living crap out of you.
• Many liquor stores offer a "Try Before You Buy" program, whether they know it or not.
• When sipping wine at a Catholic eucharist, swallow quickly, before the wine undergoes the miracle of transubstantiation and you get the unpleasant taste of a mouthful of human blood.
• Distinctly fruity overtones are the mark of a good sommelier.
• The quality of a wine is inversely proportional to the viciousness of the animal depicted on the label.
• Aw, man, once in high school, my friends and I got totally ripped on this wine Eric's older brother bought for us. I don't remember the name, but it was all pineapple-flavored. That was the night we got kicked out of Arby's.
• The proper glass is crucial to wine enjoyment. Before pouring wine, thoroughly rinse out the remnants of your cherry Icee.
• When throwing a tasting party, never serve more than one category of wine. [This tip courtesy of The Guide To Sucking Every Bit Of Joy And Spontaneity Out Of Living.]